Cigarettes and Keith's
I smoke a lot. It’s one thing I’ve got that makes me feel better. I like going to buy a pack of smokes too—I know some of the people at the convenience store down the road. I just hate how expensive they are. When I want to have fun, I drink. But when I drink I get a little angry—I have a lot to be angry at. The last time I ended up in the hospital, it was for drinking and breaking things.
I like watching TV, because what else are you going to do? When you’re all alone, the TV or the radio is the closest thing you’ve got to a friend. Ellen is one of my favourite shows, but I watch all kinds of things. You would be amazed at how well I know my celebrity gossip. I definitely have a mind for details. Once and a while, I get out and go to a movie on Tuesday. I really like doing that, I wish I could do that more.
Tim Hortons Cup
I live in a motel room. I call it ‘my dungeon’. It’s dark, it smells like smoke, and it’s a mess. There’s not a surface but my chair that isn’t covered garbage. The toilet overflows sometimes. But at this point, I take what I can get. There’s nobody to bother me. The area’s good because it’s close to the bus. The stores around here are pretty good. There’s a Tim Hortons close by, and I know somebody who lives up stairs who will bring me back a coffee if I give him a toonie. I like having my own space and I feel more independent.
Five Dollar Bill
I get $80 a week to live on. If there was one thing I could change, I’d wish for more money. You can’t stretch $80. Some days, I just don’t eat anything. If I want to go anywhere, I have to ask someone for a bus ticket. I don’t want to be a burden on anybody. Ask and you shall receive, the bible says, but I don’t like asking. The other day at the gas station, I asked a guy in a big truck if he could spare any change—he gave me a $5 bill! It made my day, because I’d had nothing to eat yesterday. I used to have a job and I really miss when it was my money and I could do what I wanted with it.
I have a friend, Michelle, that I met the last time I was in treatment. We get along really well. I was praying for a friend with a car, and I got one. We go places together sometimes and she doesn’t even ask for gas money. I really want to buy her a necklace as a present. A nice one, made with some real gold. I’d like to spend $100 on it. She deserves it. But how am I going to do that on $80 a week?
There were some parts of my childhood that weren’t so bad, but I didn’t have a great family life. We moved a lot while I was growing up, so I’ve lived a bunch of places but never really had a hometown. I was beaten and raped by my brother and father. One of my sisters is just awful–she’s shut me out of her life now. Before that she used to steal all kinds of things from me—clothes, jewelry, food one of my bicycles—and she said lots of hurtful things. I’ve got one sister who still talks to me sometimes. But none of my family is willing to help me out.
These are a couple of things that are important to me. I keep a bible close by. God matters a lot to me. I can quote to you from the bible. It’s always top of mind for me.