Posted 13th October 2015 on Sandra's Blog

I share my life with two of the fluffiest, most wonderful creatures: Mittens and Snowball. My cats are what keeps me going some days. They are my support. Sometimes they can be a handful. I guess we call can at times.

Mittens is my cuddle bug. He LOVES to curl up in my lap while I’m on the computer. I find his purr so soothing. Snowball on the other hand is all over the place! I find her in boxes, cupboards, or just running through the room at full speed for no apparent reason. They make me laugh all the time and I so appreciate how much they love and trust me. I can’t imagine my world without them. They accept me just as I am.

Posted 2nd November 2015 on Sandra's Blog

So tired today. Couldn't sleep all night. Spent the morning laying in bed, getting up and going back to bed again. I wonder if anyone else struggles like I do. Dishes are piling up. I did a sink load and put them away. I set another load to soak. EWWWW! Is that mouse poop??

I know I should clean more...but it's hard for me. I struggle with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Doing simple things is exhausting. I’m a bit embarrassed to let people in my apartment. I tried to motivate myself to do something productive. Got up the effort to vacuum and was too lazy to pick up a piece of paper. I hoped the vacuum would win the battle, but alas it did not. Paper won and got jammed in the vacuum hose.  SOOO FRUSTRATING! This is why I want a maid.

Posted 16th November 2015 on Sandra's Blog

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my family doc. I always leave feeling ashamed. The doc I saw in the emergency room recommended I see a psychiatrist. I asked my family doc to refer me to one. She told me it was a year long wait....and that maybe it wasn't worth even making the referral. This has been the broken record for the last 3 years!

It's also so frustrating when she keeps blaming everything on me being overweight. I know I'm overweight. I get that. My mom has reminded me of that for years by saying things like "You would be so beautiful if only you were thin." Now my doc is also ignoring the real pain I have and my depression. She just keeps telling me to just get out and exercise more. I wonder if all docs are like this. Maybe I should find another one.

Posted 20th November 2015 on Sandra's Blog

I am so lucky to have such a great worker. She is like my cheerleader. She listens to me and actually hears me. I trust her. Today we had an appointment and I was feeling really down. She came by my apartment and talked with me. I love that she can actually meet with me in my space as some days getting out is really hard.

I was able to talk to her about what I’m thinking. I told her about a crappy phone conversation with my mom. She told me I’m not crazy to feel what I’m feeling, and reminded me that I have been successful at stuff. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that.

She is also going to drive me to my surgery! WOW! She offered without me having to ask. I didn’t want to ask as it is so early and I know she doesn’t work that early. I wish I had a way to thank her.

Posted 25th November 2015 on Sandra's Blog

My family has been a source of pain for me most of my life. My dad really impacted us all growing up. He is a hoarder and a rage-a-holic. All of us spent years on pins and needles around him wondering what would set him off. Mom on the other hand, is so judgmental. I have spent my whole life feeling like I don't measure up to her standards. She doesn't really get my struggles with mental illness. Why can't she hear me?

My brother is the superstar. He has a successful career, a great sense of humour....basically he's the successful one. He doesn't really get that I can't just 'fix' my ADHD or depression. He thinks you should just 'pull up your boot straps'. He gets very impatient with me and treats me like a kid. I do love hanging out with my niece though. She's awesome! We have a lot in common and love going for coffee or shopping together. I wish the rest of my family could treat me like she does.

Posted 3rd December 2015 on Sandra's Blog

I've been working on getting  gastric bypass surgery for a year now. Surgery is next week. I am so tired of being fat. I'm looking forward to losing weight and being healthier. I really want this to work.

I think losing the weight will give me more self confidence. I hope it will help me achieve the things I want in life. I want a partner I can love and who will love me. I want a life where I have purpose. I want to work again.

I'm nervous about the surgery. I don't have anyone who will take me there at 6:15 am. I can't ask my family as I really don't want to deal with their judgment as we drive. Maybe I can ask my worker. It's so early though...I don't think I should. I'll just take a cab, if I can find the money. Hmm. Maybe the bus. Wonder if they have a place I can put my keys and tablet? I know I'm not supposed to bring that stuff with me, but what the heck will I do after surgery? How do I lock my door?!

Posted 6th December 2015 on Sandra's Blog

Some days I get so frustrated with being poor. I’m on disability and still don’t have enough. I am now going to payday loan places to try and make it work. I know I shouldn’t spend money on online games, but sometimes it is the one happy moment in a day. I wonder if the people who decide how much money people on disability get know what it’s like to live on so little. After rent and internet, I don’t have money for much.

Before things got really bad, I also worked in high tech and had a good job I liked. Then the good old layoffs happened, and because I was new I was gone. Things haven’t been the same for me since then.

I sometimes wish I had what other people have. I want to be able to go out for dinner. I want to go to a movie. You can’t do much of that kind of stuff when you’re poor.